i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
