Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
