i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
sex in a hospital.. check
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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