so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
