ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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