just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
