guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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