wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
