I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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