my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
