the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
