saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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