he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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