k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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