well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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