I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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