Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
third nipple confirmed
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
