kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
