I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
