my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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