I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
