So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
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He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
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I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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