I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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