the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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