dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
