i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
