Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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