Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
