I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
