i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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