ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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