Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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