How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I need to align my fucking chakras
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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