so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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