Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
