I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
