i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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