Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
