I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
