he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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