Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
