A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
