Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
