i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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