i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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