please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
