If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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