I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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