You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
