So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
