My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
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there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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