I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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