I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
