I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
