I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
