I think my fart just growled at me.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
