yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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