found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
