This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
