Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
