its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
