Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
