dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
