How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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