we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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