There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
